Today I get somersaults, with strange and slightly uncomfortable positions.
Strangely; (and I *wish* I was kidding about this) knitting is helping. Sadly, my main project needs to wait until my next little bundle of yarns get here. Approximately 5 to 10 days. Very unfortunate. But in the meantime I have 3 other projects to keep me in line: a 2/3's finished hand towel (which I will never make another one of), 1 barely started wash rag, and 1 1/3 done teddy bear, due for Gus' first birthday in February. Technically it was supposed to be a birth present, but babies don't need stuffed animals.
I'm hoping my sister Caitlin finds it in her heart to forgive me the excessive tardiness.
I'm almost sure she won't care.
I'm also almost sure she and I will never have an actual sister relationship. I always get the vibe that she gets more harassed by me calling her than happy.
Last few days have been rough emotionally. Afraid of a lot of things. Things like 'life is never going to be the same' and 'am I really ready to be someone's parent', 'will I be any good at being a mother'. Stuff that's just generally unable to be answered by anything than just jumping in the fire.
It's all a little scary, that's for sure.
All of my friends or acquaintances who have children are married accept me. Honestly, it doesn't bother me in the way you might think. But sitting tonight with the book club I'm in, talking about babies and marriage, and relationships made me feel like I'd missed out on something. When truly, I can't even say with assurance that I am the kind of person who wants to be married. Maybe that's something I just feel at this time in my life. Maybe it will be forever.
I'm glad that in whatever way it happened, I didn't feel alienated from the group. I blame this solely on the presence of the baby. I'm sure the first of many instances in which I will have to blame him (sorry kiddo, hope you realize I still love you). (that side note was posterity's sake).
But, as kind of the usual, but amplified by my fears and my hormones; I feel desperately lonely. Lonely for a man in my life, or a friend I can confide in and feel safe, or my mom to just maybe show up and say something lovely like "have I mentioned I'm happy for you, or proud of you". Lonely for the father of the baby to be as happy and curious about what's going on as I am, maybe lonely for an animal -or something other than just myself kicking on around this place.
Maybe I'm just starved for a little warmth. Who knows. I'm sure that a little of what's going on is creating that need for me. I just need to keep my chin up, and know that things are going to be okay, and I'm doing pretty well so far (considering that I only JUST got a changing table. I know -I know. But I'm waiting until my shower is over, as CAREFULLY instructed time and time again by all the parents I know).
I also know that while I might not be one of those women who fawns and "oo's" and "Aaah's" about when the baby moves, and when you get to watch something interesting happening to, or in you. Or when you pick up a baby item that you needed or wanted, or just went ga-ga over. I'm not a mom who is twittered over all things relating to baby.
I still know he's in there, and even though there is this part of me that's a little afraid of what happens next when he comes out..... I think he will be the most magnificent adventure I'll ever have.